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I used to do panels
sitting in front of a room full of strangers
introduced as queers
to university students some staring at us in fear
as though their teacher had just said
today’s guest speakers are murderers
or aliens from another planet
we’d reassure them
we don’t bite, unless you ask and we like you
ask us anything
if it’s too personal or inappropriate
we might not answer, but go ahead and ask
back when we were more rare on tv
we were the faces
the first time many of them knew
they were in the same room as a queer
privacy is a luxury of privilege
and we were opening up to such scrutiny
to try to prove our humanity
for maybe future equal rights
or at least so the next queer they met
would have it easier
they’d ask about our coming out
our dating and sex lives, our families
and especially our parents
occasionally convinced they’d figured out
why we were gay, they hadn’t
sometimes they’d ask
why not try harder to be straight
or if we could take a magic pill to change
perplexed and confused by our answer, no
even with the prejudice, discrimination, hate
it was hard to explain
but I wouldn’t want to be different than I am
the world should be different, not me
as a child some places would make me sick
sounds could strike and hurt
sometimes even a person talking normally
was so loud and painful I’d wince
other noises I wouldn’t notice at all
most light is fine, but a few kinds are brutal
one store in particular was wrong
I’d feel wrong and it was terrifying
and no one cared, brushing it off
telling me I was fine, to stop complaining
until I started screaming
this store is killing me, we have to leave
I tried too hard to be normal, to fit in
for years until I realized the impossibility
normal people don’t have to work that hard at it
the best I could do is fake it
and that was exhausting
I was asked why I was so weird
what was wrong with me
and I never understood why
didn’t see the connection
among all my bizarre random quirks
finally vindicated well into adulthood
when I was diagnosed autistic
my mother apologized
for not believing me
about certain stores hurting me
and I apologized
for being an absolute nightmare
to pack a school lunch for
but I wouldn’t want to change my brain
trade it for a typical one, not now
I can’t explain it
as different, odd, sometimes difficult that it is
I wouldn’t want to be different than I am
the world should change, not me
the most incredulous and passionate argument
I’ve had about not wanting to change a different part of me
was about with my physical disability
which granted sometimes it frustrates me
and causes me physical pain
but I would not have lived my life
been the person I am without this
my path, experiences, perspective
how I move through life
how I move through each day
shaped by something from which I can’t separate
and it’s one I really don’t know how to explain
but I wouldn’t want to give up being me
the challenge and creativity of so many workarounds
why “fix” another kind of existence
when the world could change to be more welcoming
These are a few of my parts
a few of the ones that don’t fit
what others have wanted me to be
a source of dissonance, frustration
being out of place
maybe without one place for all I am
but it feels so simple to me
hearing the why can’t you refrain
I remember those moments
the confused, perplexed faces
and not being able to explain
but just saying it, no
I wouldn’t want to change this
for an easier life
but the world should change
it shouldn’t be so hard to accept us